The pain of a broken heart is unlike any other pain that we will feel in our lifetimes. The grief can be overwhelming, even if we know the breakup was for the best. As such, the healing process is much different from other shattering events in life. This is why I have developed my own concept of the breakup stages of grief..
The traditional stages of grief
You may be familiar with the “traditional” stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
This concept of the stages of grief was developed by Elisabeth Kubler Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. When Ross was a psychiatry resident she noticed how little attention was given to the experience of patients who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. The book is based on her work with patients as well as over 200 interviews.
According to McGill.ca: “Despite the lack of evidence to back up the Kübler-Ross stage theory of grief, its original birthplace, On Death and Dying, has been cited 15 509 times on Google Scholar at the time of writing. It has been applied to everything from the grief processes of those diagnosed with diseases like COPD or HIV, to the grief experienced by caregivers of those with dementia; patients who have amputations due to diabetes; doctors who receive low patient satisfaction scores or go through reduced resident work hours; even (and I am not making this up) the grief experienced by consumers after the iPhone 5 was a disappointment.”
While this model may make a lot of sense for those going through the shock of being diagnosed with a terminal illness or even those with buyer’s regret over their iPhone, I have found through personal experience and through my work as a breakup coach that they don’t explain the experience people have after a breakup. In order to normalize the type of grief related to a broken heart and to help individuals to know they aren’t alone, I developed my own model.
My model
My model of the breakup stages of grief is: devastation, denial, realization, and release. Each comes with its own thoughts, actions, and things that can help you move from one stage to the next.
What you are going through is natural and normal. Let me know if you relate to the following concept.
Devastation
Devastation is exactly what it sounds like. It is the stage where you feel shocked, numb, panicked, heartbroken, or some deeply inconvenient combination of all of these.
You might find yourself thinking: I did not see this coming. Maybe this is not real. Maybe we can still work it out. How am I supposed to get through the day like this?
This shock is so real and so destabilizing that it can manifest itself in something called “breakup brain.” The symptoms are very real and both physical and mental. Some of them include: confusion, disturbed sleep patterns, feelings of rage, forgetfulness, physical pain/tightness, and even a lowered IQ.
Want to learn more about breakup brain? Download my free guide “Breakup Brain: What It Is, the Science Behind It, and How to Cope.”
Breakup devastation: the thoughts we think
Each stage of breakup grief comes along with its own very specific thoughts. I like to outline these so that people will know that they are normal, natural, and not evidence that the breakup was a mistake.
Breakup devastation thoughts include:
-What the fuck just happened?
-I didn’t see it coming
-We can still work it out
-I can’t believe they said that to me
-I am in so much pain
-I will never get over this
Do any of these sound familiar?
Actions
I have witnessed the same sorts of responses to breakup devastation in most people I have worked with. And again, these actions are normal. And the urge to do them in temporary. Recognizing them, avoiding self-judgement, and then working through them (or avoiding them) will help you get to the next stage.
Breakup devastation actions include:
-Crying – a lot. Maybe every day or when you talk about it
Healing can be beneficial. Listen to me outline how here:
-Self-medicating – this is okay and normal
-Breakup brain! Forgetting things, lashing out at people, feeling confused
-Easily triggered by things people say, songs, tv shows
What can help
There are very specific things that can help each one of the breakup stages of grief. Here are some of my tried and tested ways to cope with this temporary phase of breakup devastation:
Indulgence!
This is one of my favorite tips and one that I don’t see a lot of other coaches prescribing. I am inviting you to indulge and spoil yourself for the next few weeks.
I discovered this tactic after my divorce. I was so shattered. The weekends felt daunting to me. Slowly I started leaning into my desires. Indulging in things I hadn’t when we were together. It felt so good. It made me feel like I was going to be okay. It made me come to understand that I would be okay without him. In fact, I found I was able to spoil myself better than he ever had!
Some of the things I did during my indulgent phase:
-Watching documentaries all Sunday long.
-Taking myself out for my favorite fish sandwich.
-Enjoying a couple glasses of my favorite red wine after work.
-Playing Tetris for hours (often while I had the documentaries going)
-Eating can after can of Pringles.
Spoiling yourself can also help you to feel more physically comfortable which is so important for healing, and again, not something a lot of breakup experts talk about.
Take days off work
It is really hard to show up optimally when you are devastated from anything, especially from something so life-altering as a breakup. It can be hard to even turn on your computer or get to work.
And you don’t have to.
Taking a couple of days to yourself after a breakup can do wonders. Know that you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. As long as you do it responsibly you are allowed to skip work or other commitments and take care of yourself.
Take a look at your calendar. Are there things you can clear out? Do you have sick time or self-care days to use? You may be amazed at how much showing up for yourself in this way helps you right now.
Find a friend
Spending time with a friend can be really hard during this phase of the breakup stages of grief. Having the right type of support can be so useful right now, however.
You do not need to tell everyone every detail, but even one steady friend, coach, counselor, sibling, or trusted person can help interrupt spirals. You can simply say, “I’m really going through it right now. Could you check on me this week?”
No-contact
No-contact is my TOP tip for healing from each stage of breakup grief.
This can be close to impossible when you are interacting and in the engagement spiral with your ex.
You cannot heal from pain if you are continuing to put yourself in contact with the source of it.
You will continue to get burned if you keep putting your hand in the fire.
You cannot wean yourself from something harmful if you keep taking it.
Want extra support? Sign up for my 10-day no-contact course on Insight Timer.
Do things that make you feel physically good
As I mentioned earlier, feeling physically comfortable can go a long way during this stage. It is a way of tricking your system to think you are okay, and often the mind and heart will follow.
Not sure what I mean? Here’s some ideas to get you started:
-Trading heels for cozy shoes
-Wrapping yourself in a fuzzy blanket while you watch TV as you wind down
-Wearing sweats all day long
-Throwing your hair up rather than styling it in the morning
-Ordering take-out rather than cooking
-Sitting in the beanbag rather than the table while you have dinner
-Putting on essential oils
What will you do to make yourself more comfortable? Email me or DM me on IG at @JanieFormichella (BTW I answer each message I get).
Check out my entire episode on breakup devastation:
Denial
The second in the breakup stages of grief is…Denial
The denial stage is the phase when we second guess things.
You wonder if you/they/both of you did the right thing by breaking up.
You might feel like you’ve made a huge mistake.
You feel regret over not trying harder to make it work.
You want your ex back.
A lot of us wonder if our life will ever be the same without this person
(and yes it will, but better).
I know what a hard time this can be. It is full of mind fucks. And if you push through you will be amazed at what is waiting for you.
Breakup denial: the thoughts we think
-They were the one
-I’ve never connected like that with anyone
-Maybe we can make it work
-I don’t want to block them in case they change their minds
-We can still be friends
-They need me
-Life was easier with them – this can especially happen if you lived with them or shared finances or had a routine with them that you were used to and found comforting.
Denial comes with an entirely new set of actions we may be compelled to engage in. Remember – a lot of these are quite universal and aren’t an indication about your ability to move on or a message that the breakup was a mistake. This is especially important to keep in mind during the denial stage.
Actions
-Checking social media
-Looking at old photos of/with them
-Reading old text messages
-Bringing it up with friends – you want the presence of this person in your life. A lot of people start trying to discuss it with friends a lot more during this stage in an attempt to continue thinking about them (self-sabbotaging but SO normal).
-Lamenting
-Thinking about them non-stop
-Thinking about their good qualities
-Reaching out to them
Wasn’t I right about this being a SUPER complex and messy stage?
A lot of these actions are attempts, sometimes subconscious, to reinforce the idea that the relationship was good and that you will feel better if you reconnect.
Don’t let breakup denial get in the way of your healing.
Breakup denial: what can help
Making “the list”
One of the first things I walk my breakup coaching clients through is making “the list.”
I challenge and invite you to make a comprehensive list that will help you see the reality of the relationship, person, and breakup. Remember, all breakups happen because the relationship wasn’t working. This list will help you see how.
Starting with at least 10 things I want you to list:
-Things about the person you didn’t like or respect
-Times you fought
-Bad memories you have of this person
-The harmful things about the breakup
It might sound like I am encouraging people to focus on negative things, but it is the opposite. It is you starting to see all of the blessings that are going to eventually come your way as you move on.
Want to start now? Watch my lesson on the exercise:
No contact!
This is vitally important during the denial stage. I promise you that it will make all of the difference in the world. It may be the definitive game changer you need to move to the next stage (realization).
Here are more no-contact resources for you:
-Why so important episode
Why no-contact is so important
My breakup coaching comes along with no-contact support. Click here to schedule a free first session to learn more and set yourself free.
Clearing out your space
I first learned how powerful reclaiming (or claiming for the first time) can be after my divorce. My husband had always been quite disparaging about my decorating style and I had never fully felt that any of our apartments was truly “me.” When the devastation of the breakup started to fade I decided once and for all that I was going to do all the pretty things with the space that I had always wanted to.
And I put away anything that made me think of him.
WOW – it was liberating!
There are so many benefits to clearing and claiming your space can provide. Just a few:
-Something to occupy your time
-Removing reminders of the person
-Feelings of accomplishment
-Embracing what makes you YOU
Want 10 tips for how to reclaim your space and make it your own? Download my guide here.
Healthy distractions
Breakup denial can lead to spiraling, racing, repetitive, and even obsessive thoughts. This is what leads us to start regretting the breakup in the first place. Repetitive thoughts can play tricks on us and convince us of things that are simply not true.
Trick your mind back into reality and into healing mode by distracting it. Make yourself think about other things. Some ideas:
-Long walks
-Listening to podcasts
-Binging a tv series
-Affirmations
-Writing a gratitude list
Learn more about the denial stage in an entire episode I did on the topic:
Realization
Realization is the phase in a lot of people’s breakup healing journey where the reality checks start to take place. A lot of people have had time apart from their ex that they haven’t had in a really long time and therefore have a chance to reflect from a more objective place than anyone is able to have when they are having engagement with a person.
Without input from their ex or exposure to the various high and low chemicals that are released when we do, a new way of looking at things forms.
We start to see the relationship for what it was, and that is that it has run its course because it wasn’t working anymore.
We can go through this regardless of who ended it and we can go through this regardless of how bad or good the breakup was.
The thoughts we think
Some of the thoughts we often think during the realization stage are confronting and really hard to face and that is why a lot of people stay stuck in the denial phase of the breakup. Some of these thoughts include:
-”They were kind of shit to me”
-”I don’t know why I didn’t end things sooner
-I ignored so many red flags
-”We weren’t actually that good for each other”
-”I am glad it ended”
-”I’m really pissed that they did this to me”
Do any of these sound familiar?
Actions
These thoughts can lead people to respond in ways very specific to breakup realization such as:
-Bringing it up with friends – you may have a sudden desire to process things with people
-Doubting yourself/having self-trust issues. Realizing that you ignored red flags or stayed longer than you should have can be a big blow to one’s confidence. But you CAN build it.
-Having a rush of energy
-Suddenly wanting to spend more time with friends
Breakup realization: what can help
Navigating breakup realization can actually be fun if you let it. Some of my top tips as a breakup coach include:
Leaning into your anger
When used carefully, anger can teach us so many things. Allow it to come in if it does. Reflect. Add more power by processing your anger with a coach or counselor.
No contact
Don’t let all of your progress go to waste by engaging with this person! Trust me.
Journaling
What better time to pick up paper and pen than when you have so many revelations?
Getting out more
Especially if you start to have more energy. Make it count!
The healing journey is complex, right? Remember to give yourself grace and time. Allow space for each stage. Remember that healing isn’t linear and that you will go back and forth between the stages sometimes.
When done intentionally I promise you that you will get to the next stage: RELEASE.
Learn even more about the realization stage:
Breakup release – you can have it!
I am so passionate about this phase because it is a beautiful thing to see the FAITH come out in a person. We ALL have the ability to have faith in better things, but we don’t always know how to access it. Living a life or even part of a life without accessing faith can lead us to forget it is there. A lot about embracing fatih has to do with practice, with muscle memory, with developing a relationship with it.
When we arrive at the release stage we start to see that healing is within our reach.
The thoughts we think
Breakup release is the phase when thoughts finally become more positive and forward thinking. They may include:
-I am ready to move on
-WOW – I have moved on
-I know I will be okay
-I am better off (I love this one!)
-I am glad we broke up
-What was I thinking?
-They are no longer in my life and that is okay
-I love myself so much (💗💗)
Actions
We are talking about turning a major corner here. This shift comes with desires for brand new actions such as:
-Scrolling for happier reasons (aka not checking their social media)
-Making plans for the future
-day dreaming about traveling
-Rediscovering hobbies or interests
-Changes in sleep
-Wanting to hang out with friends again
-A sudden interest in personal growth content
Embrace these thoughts and desires! Make this stage count. BUT – remember that you may still slide back and forth between the other stages and this one. Please don’t let it discourage you.
Some ways to make breakup release count are
No contact
Do you think I am a broken record yet? Please, please, please do not trick yourself into thinking that engaging with your ex is a good idea now that you are feeling better. I promise you that this is the fastest way to lose your progress.
A solo trip
Now is the time to see what true singlehood can really be like!
Redecorating
It’s time to redesign your life! Starting with your living quarters is a great place to start – once that is fully yours the rest of your universe will follow. If you let it.
I am here for you! Listen to my episode “Creating Your Solo Space”:
Making a vision board
What do you want your life to look like now that you are in the driver’s seat? Get those craft supplies ordered and think about how shiny your new life can be!
And of course – coaching
A little guidance can help you to make the most of this time and to also make your no-contact goals last. I look forward to connecting with some of you about this opportunity. Schedule a free first session here.
Download my guide on the release stage:
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