In this week’s episode I speak to friend Kristof Best about his experience navigating meeting people, dating, and starting relationships…while also navigating the experience of doing so as a neurodivergent individual.
I am so, so thankful for this conversation and excited to share it with my podcast network.
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Dating can be confusing enough when you understand all the supposed rules. Who makes the first move? How do you know if someone is flirting or just being friendly? When is the right time to ask for someone's number? And why does everyone seem to expect us to know these things instinctively?
For people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with autism or ADHD, these unspoken expectations can make dating especially challenging.
I recently explored dating while neurodiverse with Kristof Best, a neurodivergent man who has spent years learning how to navigate social interactions, flirting, and romantic relationships. I met Kristof at my flirting workshop during Mile High Love Fest, where his perspective caught my attention. I knew I just had to have him on Sex and the Solo Girl.
Key Takeaways
- Dating often involves unspoken social rules that can be difficult for neurodivergent people to interpret.
- Clear communication reduces confusion around attraction, expectations, and boundaries.
- Flirting can become more manageable when broken into small, low-pressure interactions.
- Choosing a date environment that accommodates sensory preferences can make connecting easier.
- Rejection sensitivity and differences in emotional processing can affect romantic relationships.
- Understanding how your partner experiences affection and support helps build stronger connections.
Why Dating With Autism and ADHD Can Feel Different
The Challenge of Unspoken Dating Rules
Growing up, Kristof often felt like an outsider. He struggled to understand social interactions and found himself mentally cataloging what worked and what didn't.
He described creating spreadsheets in his head, storing successful interactions and discarding approaches that produced unfavorable results. For years, he assumed everyone had to work this hard to understand other people.
It wasn't until adulthood that he began recognizing his experiences through the lens of autism and ADHD.
One of the biggest challenges of dating with autism and ADHD is that romantic interactions frequently depend on expectations nobody actually explains.
Consider something as simple as paying for a first date. One person may appreciate the gesture, while another might see it as an outdated assumption about gender roles. Both perspectives are legitimate, but how is someone supposed to know which applies without having a conversation?
As a dating coach, I encourage people to become more intentional about their interactions. Kristof's experience reinforced how valuable that intentionality can be, particularly when traditional social cues are difficult to interpret.
Communication Challenges, Rejection, and Misunderstood Signals
When Words and Intentions Don't Quite Match
One of Kristof's stories perfectly illustrated how easily communication can go sideways.
A former partner once told him that a particular experience had made them feel unsafe. Wanting to respect that boundary, Kristof made sure they never encountered that situation again.
Much later, his partner asked why they had stopped participating in that activity. It turned out the problem hadn't been the activity itself. A particular person who had been present made them uncomfortable.
Kristof had interpreted the original concern as applying to the entire situation.
This example highlights how easily two people can reach different conclusions from the same conversation, even when they're both acting with good intentions.
Another challenge Kristof discussed was rejection sensitivity. For some neurodivergent people, the possibility of rejection can provoke particularly intense emotional responses. An unsuccessful interaction might feel like evidence that an entire approach to dating is hopeless.
I think there's a valuable lesson here for everyone: when communication is ambiguous, ask questions.
Someone expressing discomfort may need to explain what specifically bothered them. Likewise, someone declining an invitation deserves to have that decision respected without pressure or attempts to reinterpret their answer.
A little more clarity can prevent an extraordinary amount of confusion.
How to Flirt When You're Neurodivergent: A Five-Step Approach
One of my favorite parts of our conversation was Kristof's five-step approach to flirting.
Having spent years studying social interactions, he developed a method that allows him to approach someone gradually, building familiarity without immediately putting pressure on either person.
I especially appreciate that these techniques can be useful for anyone who finds flirting intimidating.
Step 1: Offer a Genuine Compliment
Kristof begins with what he calls a drive-by compliment.
The idea is simple: compliment someone sincerely, then continue with whatever you were doing.
He recommends focusing on something they've intentionally chosen, such as their outfit, accessories, makeup, or tattoos.
This aligns beautifully with something I teach in my flirting workshops. Complimenting someone's personal adornments acknowledges their individual style without making unsolicited judgments about their body.
The clever part of Kristof's approach is that you don't linger, waiting for attention or validation. You've offered something pleasant without creating an obligation.
Step 2: Establish a Moment of Connection
If you're sharing a social environment, Kristof suggests looking for another opportunity to acknowledge the person.
For him, this might mean catching someone's eye across the room, smiling, or exchanging a small wave.
Of course, eye contact isn't comfortable or informative for everybody, particularly some autistic individuals. A friendly greeting or another form of acknowledgment can serve the same purpose.
The goal is to create an opportunity for mutual interest to emerge, rather than assuming that a particular gesture means someone is attracted to you.
Step 3: Start a Brief Conversation
Next comes what Kristof calls a micro-conversation.
You might ask how someone is enjoying the event, comment on something happening nearby, or bring up a shared interest.
Keep the conversation relatively short. There's no need to turn every interaction into an elaborate performance.
I particularly like this approach because it gives both people an opportunity to get comfortable without feeling trapped in an extended conversation.
Step 4: Build Toward a Longer Conversation
If your previous interactions have been positive, you can approach the person again for a more substantial conversation.
At this stage, you're looking for genuine engagement. Are they participating enthusiastically? Asking questions? Choosing to continue the conversation?
Those responses can help you understand whether the interest might be mutual, although no individual behavior guarantees romantic attraction.
Flirting should feel like a developing exchange, rather than something one person is trying to accomplish to another.
Step 5: Suggest Staying in Touch
Finally, if you've established a comfortable connection, suggest another opportunity to talk.
You might exchange phone numbers, connect on social media, or arrange to meet again.
Kristof particularly likes exchanging social media information because it can provide a little more privacy than immediately sharing a personal phone number.
And here's something worth emphasizing: asking someone to stay in touch is an invitation, not a negotiation. Give them the freedom to decline gracefully.
Kristof's method provides a useful framework, but it isn't a rigid formula. The pace should always reflect the comfort, preferences, and boundaries of the people involved.
Neurodivergent Dating Tips for a More Comfortable First Date
Consider Your Sensory Needs and Shared Interests
Anyone familiar with my dating advice knows I'm a fan of the happy-hour first date. It's relatively brief, casual, and provides a comfortable opportunity to determine whether you'd like to see someone again.
During our conversation, Kristof introduced an important consideration: the environment itself.
For some neurodivergent people, background noise can make conversation difficult. Multiple overlapping voices might interfere with auditory processing or pull attention away from the person sitting across the table.
A packed, noisy bar might be a perfectly enjoyable environment for one person and thoroughly exhausting for another.
Kristof suggested choosing a quieter bar or another location where conversation can happen comfortably. I love the idea of a relaxed wine bar, particularly during a less crowded hour.
Shared activities offer another excellent option.
Kristof recommends social groups centered around interests like hiking, bowling, board games, or language learning. These environments provide opportunities to meet people while participating in something enjoyable.
They also offer natural conversation starters, which can reduce some of the pressure associated with traditional dating.
The most thoughtful first-date plan considers what will help both people feel comfortable and engaged.
Building Healthy Relationships Through Clear Communication
Understand How Your Partner Experiences Love and Support
Once a relationship begins developing, communication becomes even more important.
Kristof recommends being clear about romantic intentions early, while allowing the connection to develop at a mutually comfortable pace.
This helps prevent misunderstandings about whether someone is pursuing friendship, romance, or something else entirely.
He also described how differently people can experience time and connection. For him, going extended periods without seeing someone doesn't necessarily diminish his affection for them. Other partners might need more regular communication to feel connected.
Neither preference automatically determines how much someone cares.
This brought us to a concept I frequently discuss with my coaching clients: love languages.
I'm a believer in learning how your partner experiences affection. Knowing what makes you feel loved is useful, but understanding what helps your partner feel cared for is equally valuable.
Kristof explained that physical touch is particularly meaningful to him. During emotionally difficult conversations, something as simple as a hand on his shoulder can help him feel supported and remain engaged.
For somebody else, that same touch might be uncomfortable. They may prefer space, verbal reassurance, or a practical act of care.
Love languages aren't a complete scientific explanation of relationship compatibility, but they can provide a helpful starting point for discussing individual preferences.
Don't assume that the way you express affection is automatically the way your partner wants to receive it. Ask, listen, and become familiar with what works for each other.
Neurodiversity and Ethical Non-Monogamy: Questioning Relationship Expectations
Another fascinating element of my conversation with Kristof involved ethical non-monogamy.
As someone who has participated in that community for years, I was interested in why Kristof finds certain aspects of non-monogamous relationships compatible with his communication preferences.
For him, one appeal is the emphasis on explicitly discussing boundaries, expectations, and relationship agreements rather than assuming everyone shares the same unwritten rules.
We also explored compersion, commonly understood as feeling happiness when a partner experiences romantic or sexual connection with someone else.
I appreciated Kristof's perspective that compersion shouldn't be considered a requirement for successful ethical non-monogamy.
People experience jealousy, envy, and other emotions differently. Kristof sometimes examines feelings of envy as clues about what he might be missing or wanting within his own relationships.
That curiosity can open the door to productive conversations about emotional needs.
And frankly, I think there's something refreshing about allowing people to have their actual feelings rather than insisting they experience the supposedly correct ones.
Finding Connection on Your Own Terms
One thing that stayed with me after speaking with Kristof was the contrast between his childhood experiences and the social life he's developed as an adult.
Someone who once struggled to build friendships now enjoys meeting people, flirting, and maintaining multiple romantic relationships. Getting there required experimentation, patience, and a willingness to learn from uncomfortable experiences.
His story illustrates why dating while neurodiverse deserves more thoughtful consideration than simply applying conventional dating advice.
The strategies that help one person feel confident might be uncomfortable for another. A conversation that seems perfectly clear to one partner may leave the other uncertain about what was meant.
Understanding those differences gives us more opportunities to communicate effectively, appreciate one another's needs, and develop relationships that genuinely suit the people involved.
And really, isn't that what good dating advice should help us accomplish?
Want More Support With Dating and Relationships?
If you'd like to hear more about Kristof's experiences and his approach to flirting, listen to the full episode of Sex and the Solo Girl, “Dating While Neurodiverse.”
You can also connect with Kristof through FetLife or Facebook.
And if you'd like personalized support with dating, confidence, or developing meaningful romantic connections, I'd love to help. I offer a free introductory coaching session where we can discuss your experiences, what you're looking for, and how we might work together.
Explore my dating coaching and book a free introductory session.
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