Breakup? If you’ve gone to the internet to look for advice you’ve likely already heard of the “no- contact rule.” And if you’ve arrived at this post out of curiosity about it, you have come to the right place! You might also be feeling overwhelmed at the idea of not talking to your ex again. You may have tried it but are now wondering – “Why is no contact so hard?”
No contact is so hard because we are human beings and are hard-wired to crave what is familiar, aka comfortable. We develop chemical reactions and even reliance to activities, substances of all kinds, routines, and yes, people. Habits are hard to break, and even harder when there are such strong chemical bonds to them the way that are formed in romantic relationships.
But it is entirely possible. This guide is here to see you through it. I will cover:
-What no contact means
-Less-obvious forms of no contact
-What no contact doesn’t mean
-Why no contact is so important
-Why the hell it’s so hard
Are you ready to set yourself free?
What is no contact?
In order to make a no contact commitment stick it is important to get really clear on what you are committing to. From there you can make goals, identify benchmarks, and fully empower yourself to take control of your healing journey.
As a no-contact coach these are the basics I have established when it comes to activities/behaviors to discontinue if you are serious about reaping the blessings of the no-contact rule.
Texting/calling
Let’s just start with the obvious. Texting is the most frequent way that people stay in touch and probably the main way that you and your ex communicated through the week.
Not texting with this person, waiting to get their texts, and deciding not to engage with them sets you free.
You reclaim your phone.
You reclaim your energy.
You reclaim your mental space.
You reclaim your life.
Texting, whether it be reaching out to them or responding, can be a very difficult habit to break. But don’t worry. I have dozens and dozens of resources to help. Plus, the longer you commit the more muscle memory you will build and the easier it will become, if you let it.
Start with this mini-sode I made on using your phone to help you heal from a breakup:
Social media
I firmly believe that looking at someone’s social media is a form of literal contact with a person.
You have to navigate to their profile.
You decide to stay.
You decide to scroll.
You decide to stop what you are doing and divert your valuable attention and time to focusing on what this person is currently doing.
That feels like a lot of contact to me! And again, nothing that is supporting your desire to move forward from the breakup.
Emailing
This may seem like another “obvious” example of “going no contact” but I have seen many people justify emailing because it initially seems less personal or “every day” than texting does. I have seen some people block and delete their ex’s number only to then become tied to their inbox. (For the record, you absolutely can block an email address.)
Email can be even more harmful to permit as a form of contact. It is a medium that some people find more conducive to long-form communication. This can open a box of grief no one needs when trying to heal a broken heart.
It can also cause a person to become more or less addicted to a new app or means of communication. Again, not what you need right now.
And yes, people still email each other.
Friends and family members
I have seen people do mental gymnastics to convince themselves that staying in touch with an ex’s family or (their) friends is somehow a good idea or even the higher road. And again, I have seen it lead to immense pain and be the thing that keeps people stuck in their healing journey.
If you speak with family or friends with any knowledge that your ex may hear about it at all, that is a form of contact. It might be indirect, but it is.
This is one of those times after a breakup when hard, hard truths serve us best.
And the less obvious form of no-contact:
Looking at old photos and old texts.
The reason why no contact works is because it re-wires our brains to have less emotional and physical reliance on our ex for various types of comfort or chemical hits. Even when contact is painful, our bodies can still get a hit of dopamine when the contact is initiated. When we stop engaging directly with someone, looking at text messages and photos can replicate this feeling. Sometimes it can lead to even more grief as we typically take and save photos of happy times with people, not the times that remind us how the relationship wasn’t working.
Why no contact is so important
Something else that helps when trying to figure out why no contact is so hard is to constantly remind yourself about why it is so important. This can be crucial when it is hard and when you need the extra motivation to stay the course. Here are just two reasons why it is so(oooo) important
It builds our self reliance
One reason it is so important to create space with your ex is that this is the one true way to reset your body and mind to function without them. Whether you are ready to accept all the blessings that can come from moving on from them, the breakup has happened and in order to heal your heart you need to look forward.
It is time to stop looking to this person for satisfaction, endorphin hits, closure, comfort, and an outlet for your anger or hurt. The person you can get ALL of this from is staring right back at you in the mirror.
Where is the intimacy?
You might intellectually know that breakups happen for a reason. You might intellectually know that the relationship with this person wasn’t working. And yet you still wait to hear from them or wish that they would respond to your last message.
Either way it strengthens the bond you have with this person. Either way, it (even subconsciously) distorts your view of the reality of the relationship.
Want clarity? Take time apart to come to all the conclusions you need completely on your own. That is the foundation needed to move forward with confidence.
Want to learn even more about the science behind breakups? Download my free eBook: Breakup Brain: What It Is, the Science, and Resources to Help You Find Yourself Again here.
So…why the hell is it so hard?
Breaking the routine and habit of including someone in our lives is one of the hardest habits/addictions we can beat. This has nothing to do with whether or not you have an “addictive personality” and all to do with being a human.
Arming yourself with knowledge about the science of breakups will help you to make fully informed decisions about your no-contact journey.
Routines
You might not realize it, but you have daily routines that inform how you operate in the world and how you spend your days, regardless of how disciplined you consider yourself to be or not. These routines are patterns that cause our systems to make sense of the world, that dictate when we sleep and eat, how we take care of our bodies, and what we can find comfort in predicting.
How we communicate with others is a huge part of a person’s routine. Having it removed can be destabilizing. But that doesn’t mean the result won’t be freeing.
Learn all about breakups and the power of new routines over on Breakups, Broken Hearts, and Moving On:
Fading Affect Bias
Hello, science!
Have you ever heard of fading affect bias (FAB)? Let me fill you in…
According to the Advances in Experimental Social Psychology paper “The Fading Affect Bias: Its History, Its Implications, and Its Future”:
“Recalling a memory often prompts an emotional response. Research examining the fading affect bias (FAB) indicates that the emotional response prompted by positive memories often tends to be stronger than the emotional response prompted by negative memories.”
In other words, as humans we have a natural and even healthy tendency to more easily recall happy memories of a person and relationship. This is often where regret or denial over a breakup comes in.
It’s science and it doesn’t mean the breakup was a mistake. And it definitely doesn’t mean that contact with the person is going to do anything to help (again, trust me!).
Withdrawals
Yes, recovering from a breakup really is similar to overcoming an addiction.
Neuropsychologist Rhonda Freeman is fascinated with the way our brain responds to relationships. She has studied how the various brain systems react during a breakup. Most significant to the concept of breaking up being like addiction is the reward system of the brain, the one that makes you miss your partner and yup, the same one associated with addiction. When you break-up and don’t have this person around, the reward system will switch on, making you crave contact. This craving can be strong, even if intellectually you know that text is a bad idea.
Dopamine
Dopamine is the best, and the worst. Just like some substances! Most readers will be aware of the way that people and relationships can release dopamine into our systems. It can be a wonderful thing…until it’s not.
As I mentioned before, even if it’s not positive contact and even if it’s not a healthy relationship, being in contact with our ex can trigger a dopamine release. This naturally makes it more difficult to resist.
Fear of the unknown
Remember what I said about the comfort of predictability? On the flip side of that human inclination is the fear of what is not predictable.
Fear of the unknown prevents people from making decisions, moving forward in life, personal growth, learning new things, and forming faith in something without knowing what the outcome will be.
It can perhaps be easy to intellectually believe in something. You might understand everything that I have said in this post about the science of breakups and how our mind can play tricks on us. You might 100% understand why no contact is to vital and effective in healing from a breakup. But putting it into action may still feel impossible.
Because the end result is the data you’ve yet to collect. And it is up to you to build the courage to collect it.
Want to make it easier? I’ve got you!
I am passionate about helping people not only commit to no contact but also succeed at it. Here are just a few resources to help you as you begin your journey:
No contact 10-day support series on Insight Timer (course)
5-tips for no-contact success (podcast episode)
Affirmations for breakups: hard days on Insight Timer (guided meditation)
Put that phone away! All about the no-contact rule (blog post)
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