If you clicked on this blog post, I can guess two things about you:
First, that you know a bit about attachment theory and how your attachment style has impacted your relationship history. And second, if you want to know if your attachment style can change, you are curious about what your role is in creating different types of relationships than you’ve had in the past.
Combined, you have a great shot at transforming habits that no longer serve you and creating ones that do. This is your getting-started guide.
In this blog post, I’ll cover:
- The primary attachment styles
- What secure attachment looks like
- Five tips for becoming more securely attached
Review time! The four primary attachment styles and their primary characteristics are generally considered to be:
Avoidant / Dismissive
- Uncomfortable witnessing emotions
- Seeks distractions when upset
- Struggles to communicate needs, wants, and expectations
Anxious / Preoccupied
- Needs frequent reassurance and doesn’t feel easily soothed
- Hyperfocused on others’ feelings
- Expresses needs and expectations dramatically
Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant
- Swings between avoidant and anxious behaviors
- Struggles to trust others’ intentions
- Finds it hard to feel safe or “settled” in relationships
- Feels angry and disoriented when upset
Secure
- Comfortable building intimacy
- High self-esteem
- Can self-soothe
- Communicates directly about needs and expectations
So… can you really change your attachment style?
Have you heard of the lesser-known attachment style, “earned secure”?
Get ready for a truth bomb.
In the workbook Securely Attached, Eli Harwood refers to a fifth attachment style, “earned secure.” She says:
Earned secure means: A person grows up in a home that is insecure, and they inherit that pattern of attachment as a result. But then (drum roll please), they grow up and realize it’s not working to get the secure love that they want.
SO THEY (YOU!!) WORK THEIR TUCHES OFF AND HEAL AND GROW.How cool is that?
Answer: very, very cool.
Are you ready to work your tuche off? Let’s do it! But first, let’s take a closer look at how people with secure attachment show up in relationships.
Secure attachment looks like:
- Understanding that there are ups and downs in relationships
Asking your partner to work with you to solve things when they go off course and having a “we” not “me” attitude about conflict resolution.
- Not “keeping score in relationships
A firm desire to see each partner feeling looked after and heard.
- Knowing that you are responsible for your own emotions
Your partner can’t make you feel anything or respond in any way.
- An ability to self-soothe
Hello, again, self-soothing!
- Missing a partner but not being preoccupied or distressed when apart
Encouraging each partner to enjoy time apart and thrive in and outside of the relationship.
- Not building stories or worst-case scenarios in your head
Trusting your partner rather than assuming the worst or catastrophizing.
- Productive communication
Speaking your needs and holding space to listen to other person without judgment working on problems together as allies, not adversaries.
- Asking people what they are feeling
Not making assumptions based on body language or predetermined ideas about the conflict or situation.
Are you ready to do “the work” to call more secure relationships into your life?
Five ways to begin becoming securely attached
1. Self-reflection: Identify and accept your patterns
Knowledge is power. Are you ready to shine a light on how you’ve shown up in relationships—and take responsibility for your part? If so, you’re already on your way.
Start by asking:
- What were some of the negative patterns or situations in past relationships?
- What is my first instinct or gut reaction in emotionally charged situations?
These answers offer a map for where you can grow.
Note: This process can be confronting—and best done with support from a coach or counselor.
2. Getting clear: how would you like to show up in the future?
This step can be both empowering and fun. It gives you the insight you need to set goals, make commitments, and reshape your relationship future.
As a breakup coach, people often say to me “I wish I would have…” It is often in reference to new things they have discovered about their attachment style. I always offer a gentle reframe…
Take “I wish I would have…” and rephrase it as “what I will do in the future is…” This is the beginning of your roadmap to becoming securely attached.
3. Learning to communicate
How you communicate is one of the clearest indicators of your attachment pattern. Learning to express your needs and listen in a way that fosters connection often requires unlearning old habits as much as building new ones.
I’ve got some podcast episodes to help!
4. Learn to self-soothe
Many attachment patterns are driven by the belief that a partner should meet your emotional needs. Whether it’s seeking reassurance, space, or soothing jealousy—those needs are yours to manage first.
That’s where self-soothing comes in. It’s a game-changer.
Self-soothing means knowing how to regulate your emotions internally, rather than looking outside yourself. It creates emotional safety in your relationship and opens the door to deeper intimacy.
Self-soothing is one of my favorite things to talk about! Check out this episode I did on the topic:
5. Love yourself / be secure with yourself
How secure is your relationship with you?
Do you love yourself enough to stay committed to the process? To expect better treatment—and give it in return?
Self-love is a lifelong journey, but the more secure and fulfilled you are independently, the better your relationships will be. You’ll attract more secure partners, communicate with confidence, and make decisions that reflect your worth.
Yes, you can change your attachment style.
Yes, it takes doing the work.
And yes—it’s absolutely worth it.
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