It is hard to see someone you care about go through a breakup. It is hard to know what to do to help. And let’s be honest, it can sometimes be really hard to be non-judgemental or stay upbeat. I have some good news for you: there is a LOT you can do to help a friend through a breakup that will help you to support them to move on, show them you are there, and look after yourself. Helping a friend through a breakup is an intentional act.

There is an opportunity to be a force for good in someone’s life, and plenty of potential to be not so helpful as well.

As a breakup coach and someone who has had all sorts of support after breakups (the good, the bad, and the ugly), I have an intimate and personal knowledge of how you can show up right now. Arm yourself with some knowledge, and get ready to make a huge difference in someone’s life.

I shared five other ideas in part one of this series. Download it here.

Help a friend through a breakup by asking what they need

Just like each relationship is different, so is each breakup. It therefore stands to reason that each person will respond differently when their relationships end. Before you jump in to “be there,” ask your friend what it is that they need. If they don’t offer anything specific, you may want to ask if there are any practical things that you can help with or provide company while they get them done. Life basics such as grocery shopping, cleaning the floors, and getting the car washed can seem daunting after a relationship ends, especially if a person is used to doing such things with a partner. Maybe ordering a pizza and cleaning the apartment together is just what they needs to lift their mood.

Then again, your friend may just feel miserable and not be able to pin point what might help. Stay present, suggest activities, and look for areas where your support could be useful. The fact that you have checked in will mean a lot and it will also help them to know that when they need something specific they can count on you.

Want to plan a fun movie night? Download my series on the best breakup movies:
Part one
Part two

Don’t fill their head with your previous misgivings about the ex

Sometimes, helping a friend through a breakup means biting your tongue. Your friend does not need to hear or feel that they had bad taste the entire time, that you never liked their partner, and that you’ve been keeping it to yourself. Listen to your friend and congratulate them for doing so well. Keep the rest to yourself.

If you had previously suggested your friend leave the relationship, keep that to yourself as well. Make uplifting comments about looking to the future and all of the amazing things that they have to look forward to now that they has been given a fresh start. Encourage her to look ahead by doing the same.

Hear more about what I have to say about talking shit about your friend’s ex on my IG here.

Encourage self-care

What advice should you be giving during this time? That your friend listen to their intuition and to what it is that would feel best, and to do it. The time after a breakup is an important one to learn how to show up for oneself and to enjoy it. You may even want to make some gentle suggestions or facilitate by sending a gift. Suggesting a bubble bath or massage is easy, but dropping off bath salts or booking a massage therapist for an in-home massage on Saturday morning makes it even easier.

Self-care after a breakup may look like taking time alone. Make sure to be supportive of this choice while remembering to send the occasional “I hope you know you are incredible!” text.

Let them talk

One of the most hurtful things that I experienced after a breakup was being told by a friend that she didn’t want to “talk about boys all night” before our scheduled hang out in the aftermath of one of my relationships ending. While I hadn’t necessarily been looking forward to the night just to talk about what I was going through, I was really in need of a loving ear, and her words triggered a flood of negative emotions, not to mention shame and embarrassment. Yes, it might not be the most enjoyable thing in the world and it can even be quite trying to listen to what you already know about the relationship and breakup, but just listen. Just be there. Let them get it out of their system and show them you are the safe place they need right now.

(Yes, there is a limit to this. If you feel their venting is turning into an obsession or that it is getting to an unhealthy point feel free to say so and suggest other resources. Oh! Contact me if you’d like to purchase a gift certificate for a breakup coaching session.

Be patient and have limits

It can be emotionally draining on a friend to see someone they care about in pain. Therefore, it is important that you have boundaries. If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed or frustrated, it is time to redirect your support. Suggest a distracting activity or encourage a change in conversation. Remember, it is perfectly fine to let your friend know it’s time for a break from discussing the situation.