Watch on YouTube here:
Listen on Spotify here:
Sex and aging: the power of giving less f*cks
There are some topics people think about constantly but rarely discuss out loud. Sex and aging is one of them.
In my conversation with Janice Selbie (yes! Another Janice!), a Master Practitioner Clinical Counsellor and founder of Divorcing Religion and Shameless Sexuality, we talked about what happens when sex, aging, shame, bodies, desire, and curiosity all end up in the same room. Janice works with people recovering from religious trauma and purity culture, so she brings a compassionate, practical lens to this topic.
The good news is this: sex can change as we age, but change is not the same thing as disappearance. For many people, sex becomes more honest, playful, communicative, and focused on actual pleasure.
Key Takeaways
- Sex and aging does not mean pleasure has to end.
- Many people feel more sexually confident after 50.
- Physical changes are common, but there are options and supports.
- Shame, especially from purity culture, can affect sexuality for decades.
- Communication matters more than ever in later-life dating and relationships.
- Safer sex still matters after 50, especially after divorce or long monogamy.
- Pleasure often starts with curiosity, not performance.
Why Sex Can Get Better With Age
One of the most interesting parts of my conversation with Janice Selbie was the way she described her feelings of sexual freedom. In fact, she said that for her, sex became better as she got older.
That may surprise people who have absorbed the cultural message that aging is one long march away from desirability. But there are real reasons sex can become more satisfying later in life.
There is also the glorious relief of caring less what people think. Janice talked about being in her body without obsessing over whether she has a belly or whether someone else is judging her. She is there for pleasure. She wants pleasure. She wants her partner to have pleasure.
This is where sex and aging can become unexpectedly liberating. When the goal shifts from performance to connection, sex becomes less about proving something and more about experiencing something. And yes, if you are wondering, “Can you have good sex at 60?” the answer from this conversation is a very clear yes. It may require communication, adjustment, humor, and possibly a good lubricant. 🙂
What Actually Changes in the Body
We cannot talk honestly about sex and aging without talking about bodies. Bodies change. Hormones change. Desire can change. Erections can change. Natural lubrication can change. Energy can change. None of this means your sex life is over. It means your sex life may need new information.
For some women, menopause can bring freedom because the fear of pregnancy is gone. At the same time, menopause and aging can bring physical changes that affect comfort and pleasure. Janice Selbie talked openly about experiencing less lubrication and speaking with her doctor about options. That is the kind of practical, grown-up conversation more of us need to normalize.
Dryness is not a moral failure or a sign that your body has betrayed you. It is a body change. And body changes deserve information, not shame. Lubricants, moisturizers, hormone-related treatments, and medical guidance may all be worth discussing with a qualified provider.
If you are wondering, “Can a 75 year old woman have a climax?” the answer is yes, many women can and do experience orgasm later in life. Some even for the first time. Orgasm may depend on stimulation, comfort, medication, health, arousal, emotional safety, and whether anyone involved understands that the clitoris exists. A small detail, and yet somehow civilization continues to struggle.
Aging can also affect male bodies. Janice Selbie brought up changes in blood flow, which can make it harder for some men to get or maintain an erection. Testosterone levels may also shift with age.
Again, this is not a character flaw. It is physiology.
The Mindset Shift: From Performance to Pleasure
One of the most powerful themes in this conversation was the shift from performance to pleasure.
So many people spend their early sexual lives trying to be acceptable. Am I attractive enough? Am I doing this right? Is my body okay? Am I supposed to want this? Am I supposed to pretend I want this? Am I taking too long? Am I too much? Am I not enough?
Aging can invite a different set of questions. What feels good? What kind of touch do I like? What helps me relax? What kind of connection do I want? What am I no longer willing to fake, tolerate, or perform?
This is especially important for people who were taught to disconnect from their own bodies. Pleasure requires attention. It asks us to notice sensation, preference, pace, comfort, and desire. For many people, that is a radical act.
Janice Selbie offered a phrase I loved: replace judgment with curiosity. Instead of judging your body for changing, get curious about what it needs now. Instead of judging your desire for being different than it was twenty years ago, get curious about what awakens it. Instead of judging yourself for not knowing what you like, get curious enough to learn.
Purity Culture, Shame, and Late-Life Sexual Awakening
This is where Janice Selbie’s expertise is especially valuable. Through her work with religious trauma and purity culture recovery, she sees how many people were taught to suppress their sexuality rather than understand it.
For women over 50, this can be especially layered. Many were raised in a world where the phrase “purity culture” may not have been used, but the message was everywhere: good girls are compliant, modest, self-sacrificing, and not too curious about their own pleasure.
That training does not magically disappear because someone turns 50, gets divorced, leaves a religion, or enters a new relationship. It can live in the body for years.
Some people reach midlife and realize they have never had sex that felt fully consensual, mutual, or pleasurable. Some women come out of long marriages wondering if they are asexual because they never enjoyed sex or never had an orgasm. And yes, some people are asexual. That is real and valid. But it is also possible that someone has never had the safety, stimulation, communication, or permission to discover what pleasure feels like for them.
As an ex-Mormon, I understand how complicated this can be. When you are raised in a high-control religious environment, your sexuality is often treated as something to manage, hide, or fear. So when people leave that world, there can be an understandable rush toward exploration.
I am all for curiosity. I am also in favor of not launching yourself out of purity culture and directly into chaos without a seatbelt. Support matters. A therapist who understands religious trauma, purity culture, sexuality, and consent can be incredibly helpful. Not every therapist is trained in this area, so it is worth finding someone who gets it.
Exploring Pleasure Slowly and Safely
If you are beginning to explore your sexuality later in life, you do not have to sprint.
Janice Selbie talked about beginning gently, especially for people who have had very little exposure to sexual pleasure outside of obligation or shame. That might mean reading romance novels, listening to erotic audio, watching sensual content, learning about your own body, trying a vibrator, or having honest conversations with a partner about what actually feels good.
The goal is not to become some wildly advanced sexual adventurer overnight. The goal is to become more connected to yourself.
I am also a fan of tools like the Erotic Blueprints, which are essentially a way of understanding your sexual “turn-on” style. Some people are more sensual. Some are more energetic. Some are more visual, kinky, or emotionally driven. Having language for desire can make conversations with a partner much easier.
Communication, Dating, and Ethical Exploration Later in Life
Sex and aging often intersects with major relationship transitions. Divorce, widowhood, long-term partnership changes, new dating, religious deconstruction, and shifting desires can all open questions people never expected to ask.
Some people who married young may find themselves single in their 50s or 60s with very little dating experience. Others may be in long-term relationships and suddenly curious about ethical non-monogamy, same-sex attraction, kink, or new kinds of intimacy.
Curiosity is not the problem. Secrecy is.
If you are in a relationship and want to explore something new, communication is not optional. Your partner needs to know what is happening, what you want, what you are afraid of, and what boundaries would help both of you feel respected.
Safer sex also matters. Some people re-enter dating after decades of monogamy and have never had to negotiate condom use, STI testing, or sexual boundaries in a modern dating context. That can feel awkward, especially for women who were trained to be accommodating rather than assertive. Awkward is allowed. Silence is not a strategy.
Body Image, Intimacy, and Feeling Wanted
Aging can bring a complicated relationship with the mirror. Some people become more confident. Others feel startled by the changes in their body. Many experience both, depending on the day, the lighting, and whether they accidentally opened the front-facing camera.
Janice Selbie made an excellent point about the phrase “50 is the new 30.” We often say this as if it is empowering, but why is 30 the goal? Why does aging well have to mean pretending not to age?
What if 50 is simply 50? What if 70 is 70? What if the goal is not to erase time, but to inhabit the body we actually have?
A loving partner can make a difference here. Not because another person can magically heal every insecurity, but because tenderness matters. Being touched with affection, being looked at with warmth, and being affirmed in the places where we feel vulnerable can help us soften.
Sexual connection is not only about what happens when clothes come off. It is also built in the way people listen, play, learn, laugh, and make each other feel safe.
Sex and Aging: Pleasure Does Not Expire
One of the reasons I wanted to have this conversation is that we need more people saying the quiet part out loud: sex is not only for the young.
Your body will change. That is part of being alive. Your desire may change, your needs may change, and your relationship to pleasure may change. But change does not mean you are finished.
Sex and aging can bring new challenges, yes. It can also bring more confidence, better communication, less performance, deeper intimacy, and a much clearer sense of what you actually want.
If you are entering a new chapter after divorce, grief, religious deconstruction, menopause, or years of feeling disconnected from your body, you do not have to figure it all out in one dramatic leap. Start with curiosity. Start with information. Start with one honest conversation. Start with a doctor, a therapist, a book, a vibrator, a lubricant, a partner who listens, or a quiet moment of asking yourself, “What might feel good now?”
Pleasure does not expire. Neither does desire, intimacy, or the possibility of being surprised by your own life.
To hear the full conversation, listen to this episode of Sex and the Solo Girl. You can also explore Janice Selbie’s work through Divorcing Religion, her podcast, YouTube channel, and her book Divorcing Religion: A Memoir and Survival Handbook. And if you are rebuilding your relationship with yourself, your body, or your desire after a major life change, I would love for you to stay connected through my podcasts, YouTube channel, and coaching resources.
🍷🍷Ready to buy me a glass of wine? Treat me on my Patreon here.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Go show Janice some podcast love!! Find her work:
Divorcing Religion the website
0 Comments