I am a survivor of domestic violence. My story has a lot of the “typical” patterns that so many do. I met someone fascinating who was in turn fascinated by me, made me feel desired and adored me, spoiled me and absolutely swept me off of my feet in hardly any time at all. In other words, love bombed me.

Within months I moved to another country to live with him. When he started becoming violent I told my friends about it, had their support, and left. And then proceeded to go right back.

Again.

And again.

And again.

One by one, distance began to grow between me and each of my friends. By the time I left for good my support network had shriveled down to hardly anything. I was forced to stay with my parents who were not only less than supportive, they were openly hostile toward me and blamed me for everything that had happened. I am very lucky to have had two friends who did their best to be there for me, but my social network was never the same.

There is a lot of talk about how to help a friend who is in an abusive relationship. What is not often recognized is how challenging it can be to be there for someone because of the very dynamics of abuse. The more we acknowledge these friendship stressors the more support we can create for those who are being held hostage by them.

Here are just five ways that domestic violence corrodes friendships.

Friends creating space due to not being comfortable around someone who exhibits toxic or abusive traits.

The first person I lost when I was dating my abuser was my very best friend. Someone I had plans to grow old with while we drank wine from our balconies as we would often laugh about doing. She had previously known my partner (inadvertently introduced us, in fact) and knew of his reputation. As she saw us getting closer she begged me not to do it. As the relationship deepened she found herself unable to have someone so toxic in her life.

Years later, I have to admit that I have had to make a similar decision. And it wasn’t easy.

There is also the possibility that your friends will never see your abuser’s toxic behaviors. Abusers are often experts at appearing charming and winning people over. But friends may hear it from the victim’s mouth if the victim starts to confide in them. This can quickly make people uncomfortable to spend time with the abusive partner.

Support frustration/confusion

It can be very draining to drop everything to help a friend in distress only to see them go back to their abusive partner and then not know how to respond. It can be futile to encourage someone trapped in the cycle of abuse to leave it. So then what?

When it happens repeatedly (on average, people leave their abuser 4–7 times before doing it for good), friends may not only feel resentment for giving support and advice that never seems to help, they may simply feel they have run out of ways to be supportive or things to say. This can slowly cause distance in the relationship.

Isolation as a part of the abuse/control

Abusers often strategically create barriers between their targets and their friends, families, and confidants. In my case, moving to a different country seemed like an exciting, romantic adventure. At first. I quickly realized how hard it was to even stay in contact with people. Not to mention how quickly my partner suddenly had harsh criticism about the people in my life and bombarded me with it constantly.

Some abusers are also well-skilled in dominating their victim’s time, whether it be demanding that they spend all their time with them or becoming uneasy and calling/texting non-stop when apart. Before the target knows it, they haven’t talked or spent time with their circle of friends in who-knows-how-long.

This isolation can feel like rejection to friends. Or it can naturally create strain and distance.

Remember, if your friend is in an abusive relationship and this happens they are not picking their abuser over you. They are trapped in a cycle that makes it impossible to even think clearly a lot of the time.

Seeing someone differently (often subconsciously)

We develop impressions of people over time that affect how we see and engage with them. It can be shattering to see someone we viewed in a certain light succumb to abuse.

Even on a subconscious level, this new way of viewing a friend can cause a person to not only lose respect for a person, but wonder where their old friend went.

Remember, abusers don’t discriminate. Anyone from any background can be seduced by one. Myself, I had worked in a DV shelter and had been on the board of my college safe-space center. And here I am writing this post.

Hopelessness when seeing a close friend stay in a harmful situation

Hopelessness is a very dark, even paralyzing emotion. People naturally want to move away from it and replace it with more positivity. That may mean that discontinuing engaging with someone who is communicating about control, abuse, and even violence may be one way to do it. Again, this often happens organically and without vengeful intentions. And it is more likely to happen with time and with watching someone they care about remain in a harmful situation for even years.

The loss of friendships is just one outcome of domestic abuse. And it is one that we must name and talk about in order to prevent it and ensure that survivors have the loving, unconditional support that they need in order to arrive at a point when they are ready to escape.

Support and resources are available. If you are someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse contact the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence at 800.799.SAFE (7233).

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Educate yourself and get involved at NCADV.org.